Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come by Jessica Pan

The summary of this book screamed that it was perfect for me.

What would happen if a shy introvert lived like a gregarious extrovert for one year? If she knowingly and willingly put herself in perilous social situations that she’d normally avoid at all costs? Jessica Pan is going to find out.
When she found herself jobless and friendless, sitting in the familiar Jess-shaped crease on her sofa, she couldn't help but wonder what life might have looked like if she had been a little more open to new experiences and new people, a little less attached to going home instead of going to the pub.
So, she made a vow: to push herself to live the life of an extrovert for a year. She wrote a list: improv, a solo holiday and... talking to strangers on the tube. She regretted it instantly.
Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come follows Jess's hilarious and painful year of misadventures in extroverting, reporting back from the frontlines for all the introverts out there.
But is life actually better or easier for the extroverts? Or is it the nightmare Jess always thought it would be?

Spoiler alert: IT WAS. I want to be Jessica’s best friend but as a fellow shintrovert, I know we will never hang out. Twitter friendship it is.

Jess takes a year to set goals to push herself out of her comfort zone and try to become an extrovert. She tells a story in front of an audience for The Moth, she takes stand up and improv classes and performs at clubs, she goes to networking events and actually networks, she speaks to strangers. It all gave me small anxiety attacks (which made me feel alive!) and also had me laughing out loud in so many sections.

I loved relating so hard to this person and her year. It also reminded me of the year I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to go to grad school in DC, where I also spoke to strangers and took comedy classes. But here I am, shintrovert for life, reading as much as possible and living vicariously through those books.

Ten Years After

Ten years ago I was winding down my life as a graphic designer, packing up my belongings, and moving just outside Washington, DC to study fiction writing as an MFA candidate. I can think back to that time and feel everything so clearly, honestly from January 2009 until August, to include the anticipation of the MFA acceptances or rejections. I applied to ten or eleven schools, and was accepted to two - one with no financial package, one with a full ride and TA position. I picked the school that offered me the most, of course, and was grateful for it.

I had wanted to be a writer since I was a kid, scribbling in marble notebooks and keeping them in a "real" leather briefcase. (Yes, I was that kid.) I never stopped writing stories, even though I never really finished one until my first creative writing workshop in undergrad. I ended up there after thinking I should major in journalism, because it was writing. I didn't know creative writing was a thing you could study, take classes in, get graded on. Once I discovered that, I was gone. I was so sure I was going to grow up and become an author. It seemed real to me, just by having a concentration in the college catalog.

I stuck with my MFA program for one year out of three. I didn't like how certain workshop professors pushed us to write in a specific style first, and once we mastered that, we would be allowed to experiment. I couldn't handle having to read three short story collections a week for one class. I loved my classmates. I loved the other tutors I worked with in the Writing Center, and I loved the Writing Center itself. I loved working with other students. I loved editing papers and helping them find their focus while writing.

I don't regret my year in the MFA program. I don't regret quitting after a year.

I have friends with MFAs who are writing and publishing and working as professors and love it. I have friends without MFAs who are writing as publishing and working as [fill in the blank] and love it. And I always felt like I was somewhere in between. That by being enrolled in a program and quitting meant I had failed. But I didn't fail - I made a choice. And I need to be kind and honest with myself and realize that I am one of those without an MFA who is writing and publishing and working... period. I am doing so many things I never thought I would be doing ten years ago.

When I started that chapter of my life, ten years ago, I couldn't really picture the future. I could see myself writing at all hours of the night, because I could hardly sleep if the sun wasn't out. I couldn't picture myself as a professor. I couldn't picture myself as a partner or a mother or anything beyond that hazy image of a person huddled over the table writing... something.

And here I am. I am a mother with a wonderful child. I read in all my spare time, and I share books with him every day. I completed a Masters degree in Library Science. I'm an elementary librarian sharing books with students and their parents. I wrote and published a book. I have been writing nearly daily for over six months. I have been completing stories even without a deadline in my face. I am gearing up to teach an elementary creative writing club in the fall. It might not be what I dreamily thought would come, but, ten years after, I think I'm in a good place - maybe just a logical evolution from what I thought I wanted back then.

What Was the Great Depression?

It's taken me a long time to write about this because I waffle about social media and this blog so much. I can never decide if this space is personal or professional, but there is a point when those two intersect, and I think it is important for me to share my experience.

Social media is too often focused on looking your best, sounding your best, always coming across as the happiest, most satisfied person ever. That's fine - who wants to read negative stuff on blogs and social media when the news spreads that information for us? I also admit there is a difference between trying to make the best of a situation and trying to act like it is perfect - and I struggle with that regarding what and how to share on social media.

This blog was my happy place when I was a library science student, reading and reviewing books for a class, envisioning how I would put my degree to work once I graduated. A job opportunity came up before I was finished with my last semester, and I took it, even though it started immediately and meant I had to find last minute child care for my two year old son, and juggle two classes (one of which was CATALOGING, wow!), an internship, and a sign language class (for my personal interest) while learning a new position. I should have said no, but I was so worried that it would be my only opportunity. I should have said no because I was not offered the job I applied for, but one the system thought I would be better suited for. My coursework still applied, so I thought it would be ok. I made the best of it in real life (and genuinely enjoyed it for a long time) and acted like it was the perfect fit on social media.

Personally, having my young son in someone else's care full time really ate at me. I know you do what you have to do, and I was lucky to have had so much time with him in the first two years. But I had always planned to stay home with him, at least part time, until he started school. But I felt so strongly that I had to take the job that was offered to me. Eventually it wore me down, especially when the system expanded their hours, meaning I was working a handful of nights and weekends every month. Other aspects had changed enough to make me not enjoy the job as much as I wanted, and it all led to me taking a different job that helped the family most.

Another position came up, and due to some family changes over the summer, I thought taking that job would be best. This job sounded good on paper, but in reality different things were expected of me, with limited time to complete them, and no support from administration - even after repeatedly asking for it. I was still working nights and weekends, except now I was at home churning out lesson plans. Lesson plans that met the standards the system required, but students didn't appreciate or care about. That's not how I wanted to be a librarian. I won't even dip into my thoughts on public schools and instead direct your attention to the image at the top of this post. The Jeopardy clue that is the answer for would be "Allison's time working in the public school system." But online, when I posted (SO RARE, if you look back over this blog and its instagram) I pretended all was fine.

Until I couldn't pretend anymore. I'm not trying to drag those jobs over the coals and rip them to shreds for being unfair or awful. They were just awful for me. I think it is so important to have a job that you love, that you are passionate about, that makes you feel fulfilled. You don't have to work all the time, or talk about your job all the time, or think you are changing the world. It just has to make you feel good, in whatever way you want. If that means working retail 20 hours a week so you have time for something else, fine! If you want to work 60 hours as a lawyer, that's fine too! It's all individualized, and that is important to remember.

I'm saying that for myself as much as anyone. I kept feeling pushed to take a job just because it was offered to me. I wish there was a trial period to transition to a new job, because it definitely would have influenced me with at least one of those jobs. I feel like it would have helped my happiness so much - to know exactly what I was getting into before committing. Before feeling like a failure for leaving. Before feeling dumb and aimless for taking and leaving X jobs in X years. And maybe it is irresponsible, or not how someone else would do it. But I value my happiness over almost everything else (wow does that sound selfish!). I know that if I am not happy, everything else in my life will suffer. I am lucky - no, I need to stop phrasing it that way, as if it just so happened to work out that way. I have worked hard since my early teenage years as a babysitter, and I have saved money so I have a buffer. Gone are the days of someone retiring from the same company that hired them straight out of school. Gone are the days of companies keeping someone for that long and rewarding them for their loyalty - so many companies here have been "downsizing" once the bulk of their employees are a certain age, just casting them out and making it so hard to find a new position at their older ages.

But I digress. It has always been important for me to feel happy at my job. Not consumed by it, not overwhelmed by it, not stretched thin by its demands. But balanced. And I know this means your personal life has to be satisfying too, and that was definitely a problem I was struggling with as a new mom and newlywed, so this period in my life wasn't all job-centered.

I want to feel like I am making a difference on a more individual level. I don't care if the public school system gets more money from the state because I am helping them hit their numbers. I care that the students who came to me learned something from me - however minor that may be. I hated that students would see me in public and greet me, and I thought of them as strangers. I didn't know their names or what grade they were in because I was seeing 860+ kids every two weeks, and connecting with none of them. I don't care if I get do implement all of my creative ideas in my job. I care that those in management want to hear those ideas and value me for coming up with them. And I think I've found that job. But more on that later.

I just wanted to share all of this in the name of transparency, to not get too personal and not call out any systems in particular, but to say that it's not always real online, and it's ok to get real and not be happy pretty posed instagram shots all the time. And to thank everyone who has been there for me - some online since the start of this blog, some on instagram even though I haven't posted regularly in too long, some in person from one job or another, some who have always been there. And now I click "Publish" before I overthink it because... why not?

How Community Engagement Influenced My Final Exam

This semester I’m completing my final exam for my Masters in Library Science. It’s a stressful time (as we all know), but it’s also really exciting. It’s exciting because part of my exam asks me to look over my work in the program and pick three projects to highlight. Off the top of my head, it was hard to identify my best projects, but once I started looking over my coursework, they jumped out at me…And most of the projects I wanted to showcase involved community engagement. This surprised me because I always thought I worked best alone. I thought I preferred working on my own schedule, with my own ideas. That might have been true in my more solitary undergrad English degree, but librarianship just seems better when you work together.

Read the whole reflection on YALSAblog.